Sunday, December 22, 2013


Sometimes I find myself second guessing a large portion of my life choices. I suppose this is pretty common for folks. Especially at this time of year. The year is wrapping up and you start to evaluate where you are in comparison to where you started. If we look at my year in those terms, I suppose it was a good one. I mean, we moved into our new home, I landed the job I had been chasing for a solid year, the boys are healthy and, for the most part, happy.

But do those things really equal out to 2013 being a "good" year? 

I am grateful for my many blessings, but I can't help but wish for something more. Not more in a material sense, but more in a fulfilling sense. 

I had such high hopes for my future when I was younger. College, living on my own, meeting a nice guy, traveling, getting married, having the good career, and having babies. 

Of course, I didn't quite take that path. I, being the stubborn person that I am, took the hard road. Do I regret that decision? Nah. Do I know that it would have been a million times easier had I done things differently? Absolutely. 

I suppose my hard road makes me more inclined to WANT to show my children how to live their lives with passion and purpose. I WANT to be able to live my life in a way that encourages them to follow their dreams.

I suppose I am getting a jump start on goals for 2014. I want so badly to get back to me. I feel so off course and somehow strange to myself now that I can barely recognize myself. I don't want to be a shell. 

And I certainly do not want my boys to grow up into shells of their former selves.